Have you ever asked yourself this question? I know I have.
If you can’t relate, I would encourage you to ask yourself if you have ever eaten something that you hadn’t intended to and know isn’t good for you. Have you ever ended up at work when you knew you should have been home with your kids? Have you ever numbed out to TV or Social Media wasting more time than you wanted to? And then of course, have you ever sworn off drinking, gambling, pornography, (fill in the blank) only to be back at it again? Do you feel trapped in a painful relationship where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells? Do you feel like no matter how hard you try it just never seems to be good enough?
I learned a long time ago that people are rarely hurt within the context of relationship and also that we are healed in the context of relationship. Show me a person who says that they were struggling with a poor sense of self, depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or addiction, that they then isolated and withdrew from others, and in the process became really healthy—and I will show you someone who is in some deep denial.
We were created to be in relationship with others and to be inter-dependent (which is very different from co-dependent), whether we like it or not. So much healing can be accomplished in the context of a counselor-counselee relationship. Sometimes we need to let other safe people in on our pain in order to gain support. Many people find such support in twelve step groups, in their church, temple, or other place of worship. I have benefitted greatly, for example, from conferences and workshops for other parents who have a child with Williams Syndrome, following our daughter’s diagnosis 28 years ago. Sure, I did research and read everything I could get my hands on about Williams Syndrome, but I have to be honest… sometimes I just needed to look into the eyes of another mother and learn from her experience of raising and lovinga child who just didn’t fit the standard mold of what society considers “normal.” I’ve experienced this in other areas of my life as well. I bet you have too.
I am currently facilitating a therapeutic group called the Overcomers Group. This group is for women who are struggling with some form of addictive behavior and who are seeking a safe place to bring their shame into the open for the purpose of healing. I love group work!! There is such power in the support, and the shared experiences. Shame lessens when you learn you are not alone. There is an expression I love: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” In other words, if you are carrying a secret that fills you with shame, the fastest way to feed it is to keep quiet.